So You’ve Been Ghosted™️

Now What Are You Supposed To Do?

Ghosting in relationships or Caspering, in the case of friendships (you know, because he’s a friendly ghost) is a unique and magnificently painful phenomenon.

I’m not sure how common it was in the era before social media, I mean I’m sure it happened, but before the era of constant (read: unavoidable) communication, it was probably less of an issue. Alas, we are alive today, and ghosting is a real possibility to anyone in relationships.

There’s little tell as to when someone might ghost you, there’s no red flag behavior that I know to tag someone as a serial ghoster, and ghosting entails no warning from one party to the other. It’s kind of like a relationship aneurysm.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, Ghosting someone is

• the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

For context, as someone who’s ghosted others and been ghosted in return, it’s very simple. When ghosting, for whatever reason, you’re absolutely 100% DONE with someone. In my case (of ghosting) it was a former abuser, and (of being ghosted) it was a budding romantic relationship. You’re completely through with this person and in one fell swoop, usually after seeing this person one last time in a “good” setting, you shut down all contact with them.

I’m talking full blown siege of Leningrad here, not just polite smiling and waving and small talk in line at the coffee shop. Blocked phone numbers, deletion/blocking/banning across all social media — prevention of them from contacting you is key here. And then you move on with your life as if they don’t exist. For the ghoster, this is extremely cathartic. You never ever have to deal with this person again, and they have nearly no way of contacting you, save creepily showing up to your work or home to confront you. And in this day in age when most of us have social anxiety about that sort of thing, and total aversion to confrontation, you’re basically Olly Olly Oxen Free! on the Eastern Front. You’re never going to hear from and/or most likely never see them again.

Freedom!

For the ghostee however, this is singularly one of the most spectacularly traumatic and painful experiences you can go through. It’s easy to downplay it; “Who cares if they stop talking to you! Fuck ‘em, their loss!” I can hear you say.

Oh to be so ignorant and naive as you.

The magic of ghosting lies in the fact that you, as the ghostee, are left suddenly and completely abandoned by this person you were emotionally invested in, and you will (most likely) NEVER GET CLOSURE FROM THEM.

If you’ve never been ghosted, imagine walking in the park with a person you have clicked with, starting to fall in love with, or just connected in an awesome way and can’t wait to explore this burgeoning relationship with and then you turn your head in laughter, close your eyes thinking “this can’t be real its so amazing”; to open them back up and you are suddenly completely alone.

Alone, with a knife in your stomach, that you didn’t even feel until you called out their name and it hurt to breathe.

You dial their number and it doesn’t work anymore. You can’t look them up on FB and instagram, and seriously all trace of them is gone from your life. So you pull the knife out, or leave it in hoping not to do more damage, and you now have to figure out how to heal.

Accuse me of being overly dramatic all you’d like, but the emotional spiral that comes hours, days, weeks, months after being ghosted is real. Like the 5 stages of grief, there are phases to being ghosted. The biggest difference however is, you can get caught, permanently in one stage of processing ghosting if you aren’t careful.

That stage being: “What did I do to them, to deserve being cut off so completely?” That thought is cancerous. Of the most viral, vicious and voracious kind. “What did I do?” will eat you from the inside out. It will crush your happiness, joy and use it to feed your anxiety, self-deprecation and depression.

Because there is no answer to being ghosted. You can’t ask them “hey, WHAT THE FUCK?” and get a comprehensive reply or reasonable answer. No. You will always be left wondering what the trigger was.

Did I say something offensive? Did I trigger them? Was it a weird habit of mine? Maybe something I invalidated in them? Did I smell weird? Bad breath? Did I just get Regular Consent, not enthusiastic consent? Did I remind them of an ex? Did I embarrass them? Shame them? Guilt them? Insult them? Hurt them?

It starts with questions, and then suddenly you’re in the shower and you’re replaying interactions. Going over times you spent with them, spending energy trying to imagine what the catalyst was. Maybe it was something you forgot? So you re-read texts, posts, messages, listen to voicemails, Marco Polo’s over and over, dissecting, analyzing, asking 3rd parties for objective viewpoints.

And if you aren’t truly mindful and careful, you might land somewhere in the bottom of the Mariana Trench of: “It’s my fault, I deserved it, I wasn’t good enough for them”.

That place is miserable. Because it’s down there that emotional and physical self-harm become “solutions”. It’s down there the light of feeling like you once did is so dim, you don’t see a way out anymore.

Because there’s no one to rescue you from there. No one can come and save you from it. You can be distracted by a new relationship/hobby/job but inevitably, you will return to that dark place again if you don’t pull yourself out of it for good.

So you’ve been ghosted — here’s what you can do to avoid getting (or lead yourself out if you are) emotionally stuck.

1. Validate what you’re feeling.

Whatever your emotions are, post figuring out you’ve been ghosted, honor what you’re feeling. It’s going to be a lot, but denying what you’re feeling will only fester into something much worse. Trust what you’re feeling is valid. It may not be sound logic (in fact its probably skewed emotional doublespeak), but trying to deny feeling is like trying to deny thirst. It’s not going to go away by pretending you have “control” over them.

2. Recognize and Accept that: It’s not your fault

Say it now. Repeat it out loud. There is no justification for ghosting. Outside of real abusive situations (in which case; get the hell out however you can), there is zero reason for someone to cut off all contact without so much as a “hey this isn’t working, fuck off”. That would do worlds to ease the anxiety you’re undoubtedly feeling. Their choice to completely cut you off without so much as a word, is theirs, and nothing warrants that. It’s cowardly to do so. Not confronting you, giving you an explanation, no matter how shriveled, distorted, or selfish it is, is cowardice. I say cowardice however, not to shame, but to evoke empathy. Not empathy to excuse, but to understand. You aren’t responsible for their emotions, and their subsequent actions on those.

3. Give yourself the closure you won’t get from them

Odds are incredibly low the Ghoster is going to come back and apologize, offer an explanation, and make restitution. Even so, the damage is done. What you can control is what you choose to do with whats happened to you. It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Be kind to yourself in this moment and give yourself the grace of forgiveness. It is honorable and worthy to be vulnerable. It is bravery, and courage to choose to stay vulnerable for a future partner instead of closing off your emotions, steeling your walls and making impenetrable your fortress in the wake of this. Don’t shame, guilt yourself for their choice. You did good trying something new with someone. Don’t let it stop you from trying new things tomorrow, the next day, and so on.

It means burning an effigy, writing a eulogy, talking to a surrogate, writing a letter, for you. The effort is for your mental health. This isn’t an effort to reach out to them. That “one last text message” or email, or voicemail is one more effort to get them to respond. You must give yourself permission to let go, to forgive, to move on and it is done within yourself. There will come a time when the darkness of “what did i do” will crawl back in when you catch an old photo, or hear their name again, but mindfulness of yourself and the choice to move on, will not let it linger long.

I feel deeply for you if you’ve been ghosted. It’s a two-ton sledgehammer on a little sprout of fleeting something. Grieve because it was sweet and fun and exciting and something real. Feel, Deal, then Heal. You’ve got this.